Why not, universe?

Why not?

Why did this never happen?
How can something that never happened be so present? In thoughts, in dreams.

It never happened. Yet, it is everywhere.
Because, of course, it did happen. Many times. So many times. Just within those thoughts, those dreams. And how real things feel, with the right reactions taking over the body.

Too real.

So now she was running. At night, she was running onto the northern field behind the house and at some point she was screaming.
No one could hear her, of course.
But did that make her screams become less real?
She was running into a night that was enlighted by a full moon resting on it‘s closest position to earth. The night was glowing in it‘s present.

And she was screaming. Now and then it errrupted.

She was screaming for things that have not been, but have been felt by her.
Only the polar star above told her that she was still running north.

Not that it mattered. Not that anything mattered anymore. Just like the highway near by, the lights of the city in the far distance. They were pointless. So, in that case the polar star might matter somewhere deep in her soul. Because she did not find that one pointless.

And again she screamed. She found herself lying on the floor. She did not remember how she got there. Did she fall? Her perception for pain was lost. Physical pain. There was a biting pain deep inside that was still there and would always be there.
Or maybe she just lay down. Because, why not.
Why not?
Why did this not happen?
The question tears her brain apart.

There had been so many things.

So many things, that were not as good.

Maybe some of them were not bad.
Maybe some of them were really bad.
Why were those things allowed to happen?
Why had the universe taken it‘s time to let her mess things up again and again? Why was she allowed to waste her time like that?

Why?

She screamed.
She had emptied a bottle of wine on her own.

Everything was spinning.
Everything was soft.

The world, the universe with it‘s cruel mistakes was still there.
But somehow softer.

And so she rolled to the side, enjoyed the soft echo the movement left in her head, and screamed.
Why did the universe stop the one thing that had been good? Why did every other thing happen and not this one?

Why not?
The pain was never gonna stop, she was sure.

For she had found a song for that particular thing. She had found a song in her soul.

She had found a song for him, hidden somwhere deep in her soul.

And she would not stop singing that song. Singing that song and ripping herself apart.
So she would never stop screaming.
Why not, universe?

You stopped the world, when the one thing was just there.
Why not, universe?