The perfect year for witching

„I used to have those yellow lights in my windows, too“, I say to my witch as we take a walk late at night and find our haunted houses on the way decorated with beautiful Christmas lights. „But of course I hate these things from now on.“
„Sure.“

I had to admit that this December night felt wonderful. It was not cold enough for snow, but the winter air tasted fresh, it was dark and silent and the haunted houses were glowing in gold and red between the bare branches of trees.
„Maybe, when we are home we can put cinnamon into our hot chocolate“, I suggested and Layla began to laugh at me.
„Look who is Christmas mood after all!“

How could I be in any kind of festive mood after this kind of year?
Maybe no cinnamon for me ….

And maybe the answer to what this crazy kind of year had been was hiding in me actually scribbling into my diary what crazy kind of year this had been, after returning home from that walk.

I had never done something like this before.

This year had been full of things that I had never done before.

For example, I started this blog.
I had been writing all my life. Ever since I could hold a pen it had been my fascination to tell stories and play around with words. I even began to work a the theater for a while, but that had not been right for me, and so writing became something personal again. I still wanted to write my science-fiction-novels about big cities in the desert and reaching for the stars, but kept silent about it.
All the thoughts and feelings that I had suddenly experienced this spring had me wishing to share this part of me. The writing part. The part that experienced things.
I think that I will keep on writing, and keep on trying to be read.
Not necessarily because I think that I am good at it, but because it is my reaction to losing everything that I had dared to believe in. Not being able to be there for each other, having to deal with existential threats so alone was something that I would have never believed possible. I understood the reason for all of this, but it still was against every instinct I had.

Before I was writing about witchcraft and existing with a bottle of wine in my hands, I have actually been a student in university aiming to be a teacher in special education and already working as a teacher. It hurt me to see these places being closed and project being ended. A friend just recently reminded me that we are not all going to be crippled by this, and he is right. But it will have all kinds of impacts to lose this kind of stability, routine and contact people.
It was difficult to make sense of things.
Of course, I could simply call my friends, but I have always been really awkward about phone calls. And one friend of mine was completely stressed out with having her children around constantly, another one had her family far away and moved back to them… Others were really idealistic about keeping the social distancing at a high level …

That is why I had to write more urgently than maybe ever before.
This experience made me produce a lot more than before. It seems like something inside of me had been unplugged and had me leaking out onto the paper. I list ideas for future novels, I put all the little things on my mind into tales, and most importantly: I will tell the biography of my witch and every single detail!

This was a good experience. But I am also certain that I want to keep this up when things will be better again. I can be sensitive and pay attention to the word without constantly running crazy and drinking wine, I‘m sure!

To sum it up:
This year had me realize a new sense of fragility in the things that matter to me the most.
It made me experience and understand all new kinds of emotions.
It made me forget that I was a real person, a daughter, a granddaughter, a friend, a girlfriend, a student.

„In other words, it made you a witch“, Layla said, and sipping my cinnamon hot chocolate I just had to agree.

It made me a witch, because it made me lose this understanding of myself, but it also made me more stubborn. I think I have never before mentioned that I had found another job in teaching, and also an even better job in a project that I had been dreaming about even before the pandemic.

I actually think that I can fill my life with all these things that it does not consist of my right now, if I am patient and a little bit more stubborn than other people.

Just as Layla said, it made me a witch. At least a little bit.