„Living as a human being is over.“
Thoughts arrive before the feeling.
They happen and don‘t feel so bad at first, but are the first step of drowning in despair.
I understood that just now, that I can think pain before it really arrives.
„You say you‘re dead inside“, my witch says while skeptically eyeing the piece of sweet potato on her fork, „but you‘re constant struggle of waking up and having to convince yourself of this seems pretty dynamic and alive to me.“
„I‘m just painfully dying everyday over and over again.“
Layla nods patiently.
Poor witch.
I can keep on talking like this forever.
„As long as this body hasn‘t stop, I will forever be dying inside.“
My brain sometimes really doesn‘t know how shut up.
„Being alive right now really is just another slap into the face.“
Sometimes? Always.
„I can never go back.“
„Your transformation is in process“, Layla giggles.
Things are getting blurry and I‘m spiraling downwards.
„Can you imagine me in front of primary school children ever again? Speaking to them in a sweet voice and wearing something else than black for a change?“
Even if I wanted to, this would not stop.
„I loved working with children“, I say. „And now, all I can ever think of is how cruel their parents are for having them and forcing them into this cold and lonely world.“
God, I‘m tired of this.
„Life is a fucking joke. We should blow the whole universe up.“
„Okay, you‘re broken“, Layla states, after deciding not to like my sweet potatoes. Hmpf.
„You know what we have said about things that break?“, my witch reminds me. „We gather the pieces and put them back together; if necessary into something new.“
By now, I am nervously pacing up and down the kitchen.
I so failed in fighting off these thoughts today…
„I don‘t feel real. Nothing feels real anymore. Online classes aren‘t real.“
Layla lighted a vanilla scented candle.
Witches do offer solutions for personal, secret and embarrassing, but heartbreaking problems. Translating the shit my witch constantly has to listen to into potions is a bit difficult, we both have to admit.
Mistress witch writes 