During the last year, I have said these words very often. I felt as if all the things that had once made me a person did not belong into this world anymore. That is why I summoned my witch and began to learn to be a new and strange kind of being, but sometimes it is still tough to not be able to do any of the things that I once used to do, or to not see my family and friends at all. Or to talk to the children I am supposed to teach from behind a glass cube and not being allowed to get closer to them – the list of things could go on for a while.
Maybe, I will feel more connected to this human part of me that I fear to be lost if I tell a tale that at the moment means a lot to it and that I am not yet sure how and where to place in this strange new world.
This one will be about my old cat, Jonny.
About my best friend who died when I could not be with him.
We got him when I was 15 years old.
In the middle of the night, my mother brought home a confused gray cad who‘s owner had died. Since my mother had had a cat until I was little (it died very old), I grew up with all kinds of stories about these mysterious furry companions and was overly excited when Jonny entered our lives.
I will never forget the first night I spent with him hiding under my bed and sometimes hearing him moving around in the dark, or the first time that he would allow me to pet his head, with his eyes still huge and not fully convinced that he was safe with us.
My mother had her very own special connection to him.
His former owner was the mother of an old friend of hers, who had died several years ago. A few weeks before his death, he had visited and told us about his mother haven gotten a cat, and how he was not sure about this, because his mother was already old.
He died on christmas, and Jonny must have been among the last people on earth to ever see him.
My mother would sometimes pet his head and say: „You do remember Frank, right?“
Jonny was an indoor cat, but he loved to sit on the balcony and observe the squirrels and rabbits in the backyard. He would talk a lot while doing so, and in general he talked a lot to me. And shared a bed with me, and my chair on the kitchen table, and my end of the couch. We belonged together. He met all the important people in my life, and only one boyfriend ever made him leave the couch, and Jonny was right about that one!
When I moved out to attend university in another city a few hours away, Johnny ignored me during my first visits. Only when I had not been home for more than 3 months, he jumped right at me in the hallway. That had been too long for him to stay cool.
I visited him and my mother regularly every few weeks or months. It was something I needed. Sitting on my old bed with Jonny, and recharging my energy.
I shared my favorite memories with him.
My mother‘s birthday parties, where Jonny was chasing the feet of those dancing in the kitchen.
Bringing a new boyfriend to my hometown for the first time.
Coming home from a concert and falling into my bed with boots still on.
I had always told my mother that I wanted be there, when something happened.
The journey home only takes me a few hours and can usually be done spontaneously.
But Jonny was put to sleep on Apil 16 in 2021.
I was not there because I cannot visit my mother during the pandemic.
She had not even told me that something was up with him, because she knew I could not make it in time.
Jonny‘s death was a text message I received on a very surreal Friday morning in this forever lockdown. It does not feel real, yet. It was one of many messages that tore my world apart.
I wanted to be there, when his heart was stopped. I wanted to witness the moment when he left this world. I wanted to see and hear him once more.
Maybe this sounds too dramatic. He was just a cat after all.
But to me, he was a person and a friend. My best friend.
And he is only one of many deaths that I did not really comrpehend yet.
The last time I saw him, I was already packed and Johnny did not like it.
It was on March 7 in 2020.
He was looking around the corner with his huge eyes, and I said: „Don‘t look at me like that, Jonny. I will be back in six weeks.“
I never came back.
Mistress witch writes 