About feeling too much

„This heart is beating too fast“, a cold voice states, and I would be laughing had I not been out of breath already.

Life gets difficult when you are feeling too much. Or, more than the average person in that exact moment. Many terms we use to describe each other consist of a number being too far away from this theoretical average that almost no one ever completely fits into.
Taken into account are circumstances that you performed as an odd one under, as well as all kind of things that can go wrong while observing you. If you still fly off the scale: Congratulations! You are now and odd one!
This is not necessarily a bad thing, since it can help you and the world to adjust to each other.
Then again, the things you do can look suspicious, but not yet enough, so it has to be noted, just in case. Everything we do is scattered on this theoretical scale, and it is the world around and those observing us that make sense of us.
My witch met all of these odd ones falling off the scale, I think, and she made sense of them when no one else could. Witches know Dystopia and survive against all odds, remember?
But what does this scale and this mystical point of average even mean in a world struck by Dystopia? Because hers certainly was, and so is mine.
… and I would really like that to be taken into account when people try to make sense of me.

„This sometimes happens to me“, I try to explain myself with a voice so small and a soul urging to leave this body. „Only in certain situations, not always.“

The thing with strong emotions is that everyone will experience them once in a while. A kiss, a sense of danger or something else can make your heart beat faster for a moment. Some of these moment may become that intense that they leave a scar in your mind. You might get nervous while doing certain things, or going certain places, or lose your inner hold completely and walk the world as a human roller-coaster.
Of course, this does not happen to everyone, but if it does: Those are some of the odd ones.

„I have anxiety“, I tell the doctor with the cold voice. „My therapist wrote it all down here.“ And I once again show her the paperwork for which I came to see her, while she decided to take the blood pressure of a shivering and not correctly breathing patient.
„Maybe you do not have anxiety at all, but a heart problem“, the cold voice says.

Right there, my heart was in fact beating too fast, and my blood pressure was rising.
The reason was me being brave and facing a trigger for my anxiety that could easily lead to a full panic attack, which I was fighting off successfully so far, while dealing with flashbacks to something that happened to me a few years ago. I would have really liked that to be taken into consideration when reviewing my heartbeat, instead of being treated as the rebellious inhabitant of a body that must not ever malfunction for a single moment.

Inside of my head, I am seeking the help of my witch.
She has survived Dystopia and has outlived her dark kind of love, and now lives in a small hut in the forest, welcoming those that cannot find themselves in this world anymore.
„I feel too much“, I whisper, and she smiles at me.