Nuances in Dystopia

All of my Dystopia tales were about last times.
Things having ended and everything turning into nothing. I chose photos with blurry silhouettes covered in rain drops and blood. They were dark and intense and written to survive – and 18 months later, I am still here, and after all of this, my next blog post will be about first times.

This one is about first times after a long time nothing.

For so long I have thought there never could be anymore of those, but in the end, there were. Since this is still a very weird Dystopia diary I started when the pandemic had reached me, I want to begin with me getting vaccinated already a few months ago.
Walking into our congress hall to see and feel it still looking in place for the big events it had once hosted, but now being organized in taped lines on the floor and portable cabins and walls felt intense. The place felt busy. Some of the people rushing around were medical personal, some even military. I am writing this in Germany and over here it is a rare thing to see the military involved in anything, but natural disaster are one of the things justifying their use. It was inspiring to see and feel the afford to fight the pandemic all over the place.
Why does this count as a first time? Well, because it was the first time in a little while that I let one of those huge needles that doctors use so easily come close to me (as a witch I am afraid of needles – that is a little ironic!). As soon as I had exposed my arm, I closed my eyes, and for a few more hours I was a very energetic babbling version of myself, because I felt so brave! Until in the evening the fever started, of course.
This felt like taking a step.
A little step into a better future.

Another first time includes a table outside of a restaurant, a late summer evening, and a meal as huge and as delicious as I had rarely tasted anything in over 18 months. I even missed my sunset on a field for sharing this with my favourite person, and for a second that realization made me sad, but then I decided that I had a few moments of Dystopia thinking to spare and spend it like this after all this time.

There also was a first time including the movie theater that I once used to go to so often. Now, my favourite person and I still like to be careful in what we do, since we are aware that the pandemic is not over, but he also already warned me a few months ago that we would have to find a way to watch „Dune“, once it came out. Then he realized that I had not read the book yet, although he had invited me to do so almost two years ago, and I enjoyed being mocked around over such a small issue as I had not been in a while.
And so we went.
I was overwhelmed by seeing so many people in one place. It felt wrong to be allowed to take off my mask just because I had found my seat and I was relieved that the theater was only half full.
But in the end it was about seeing a good movie, discussing it on the ride home, and deciding that we would have to go and watch it again to have an even better discussion.

A few normal hours.

Doing this again after all of this time made my inside vibrate on a very old melody. One that I had forgotten and had thought to be lost forever. It is still fragile. I have once felt it leave me completely, and being able to go there with my thoughts is something tough to unlearn. I know that it is still a fact about this world that life can be cruel enough to take it away from me again. After all, I don‘t know how dark this winter will get.

„But there are nuances in Dystopia now“, I whisper to myself and my pumpkin spice latte, which I enjoy in the early autumn sun with a good book. Nuances mean that I am not constantly screaming in my thoughts anymore, and also my need to write has changed. I don‘t want my writing to be completely tied to this one dark feeling I had to survive for the past 18 months. I will have to figure that part out once more, I guess.

And in the distance my witch smiles patiently, letting me know that we are not done yet.