The upbringing of a witch

„What does being an adult even mean?“, I ask my witch at midnight with a huge cupcake and unopened letters in my hands.

Since I grew up in a family that would not let you count as an adult without being married, an own house and a baby at least on the way, I am interested in what marked adulthood in different periods of time.

„Did I even grow up as a woman?“, Layla responds to that thought. „Back in my days, it was more like having been handed from one man to the other.“

She has a point. I am about to read deeper into explanations of the shift from medieval to early modern and modern society which point out the more various roles and options women had before, and I am curious to understand those argumentations. Since the small family with parents and a few children living as a functional unit on their own is a newer concept, and historically speaking very young, I wonder why adulthood would ever have to be marked by getting married and popping out more potential people to keep this family business going. It does not seem to be an independent decision, but rather an expectation to fulfill.

Speaking of responsibilities, I have to think of me being 21 years old and telling my aunt, uncle and grandmother about having found an interesting new job I did next to studying and me referring to myself as independent. And my aunt would interrupt me and say: „You are not an adult as long as your mother still has to worry about you really finishing your degree, finding the right husband and managing a real life. You are not done, yet.“

Yes, she was right. I was not done yet. By now, I am 26 and I am still not done yet. I am even further away from ever being done. In case of my aunt that also meant I was not granted my own view on politics, economy, and just the whole world around me, yet.

But does maturing really mean to be done? To have seen it all? Have felt it all? To turn into stone?

Layla giggles. „When I risked my life and my families dignity to sneak out at night and make love to a stranger – I think that was a mature decision!“

She has a point. Brave and risky. Well planned out. Her priorities were sorted out in that wild moment. And I have to sink into her witching laugh myself and have a bite from my cupcake.

When my mother had me, she wanted things to be done, to have settled down. „What else do you think there is in life?“, she sometimes asked me. „You find a job, get married and have a family. That is what people do.“ Her desire to be done with things also meant that whenever something was up with me, she did not want to deal with it.

Crying after falling down and hurting my knee?

„Calm down.“

Being anxious when my parents had a fight?

„Calm down.“

Laying on the bathroom floor in a panic attack?

„Get yourself together.“

And once I did, she would smile at me the brightest smile ever, because I fit into the picture frame again.

„One day, I may want to have a Baby“, I tell my witch. „Not because I‘m done, ore have turned into stone. But because one day, I might be ready for the adventure a small person will mean.“

And my witch smiles. „After my third stillborn baby, I asked my husband to not get me pregnant for a while. I could not take the pain anymore and I had already proven that my body was cursed, broken and dysfunctional. But for him, it was not an option.“

I wanted to hug my witch.

Not to take over a responsibility is also a mature decision. I think that aspect of it is often forgotten.

Does recognizing responsibility mark adulthood?

If so, I think that younger generations have matured early. Today‘s youth protests for the environment and the climate, as well as for the diversity in our society. They are also faced with reflecting their actions in perspective of the pandemic at a very young age. I find them more mature than my aunt driving the family car number two to places she could walk.

Maybe, the definition of adulthood is about to change, because the very young concept of a core-family as a functional unit is also changing. We are more diverse than just male and female. We can feel a family connection to people because they were there for us and helped us. We are stronger and richer through sharing our things.

I hope that we are witnessing the beginning of this change.

A shift into a new time?

„I think, I grew up when my first life was over and the life with my plague doctor started“, my witch responds to this thought. „When I was no longer a daughter, or a sister, or a wife. When it did not matter anymore if I was even a woman to him. When being lost turned into being free, and my second life began.“

Of course, this is only a witching view on things. Not everyone can live through her breathtaking adventure of being trialed as a witch and surviving this as well as starting a second life with the terrifying man behind the mask.

And not everyone has to get rid of everything they ever had to mature. It is also a strength to hold on to things that are precious, even if they are difficult to keep and letting do may seem easier.

We are all taking on our own adventure.

Maybe recognizing this is an important step.

Maybe, sending the adolescent tribe members on an own adventure to have them mature and hoping and praying for them to return alive was a tradition (of for example some middle European bronze-age tribes) to wake up just these thoughts.

For my witch, as the daughter of a hat maker in an early modern city in Europe, growing up meant to fulfill expectations and to accept a pain these expectations brought with them, and it freed her to find a life without this pain.

While writing this, I did not open the urgent letters, but finished the cupcake. But well, at least I recognized my responsibility to do so at some point tonight.