Overly dramatic december post!

„I only have one regret“, I tell my unicorn at 4 Am while talking two times as fast and three times as high as usual. „I never had cotton candy hair!“ And we both keep on needle felting our pastel colored hearts to give away for another sad Christmas. „A youth in the 2010s without cotton candy hair is a waste!“

My unicorn says we can change that and so I think we‘re gonna change that! I hope it will turn out purple, because I have no idea what I‘m actually doing here! The only thing I know for sure is that I feel as if I should not exist, once more, and to survive the next few months, I have to summon a new me, once more.

Survive? Yea, when I began my witching blog, I kind of promised to write all of this to survive and at times I feel as if that was a little bold after all. Right now, it looks like another lockdown is going to take any chance to survive financially away from me again. Most of the children I work with (a good part of them with special needs) are too young to properly use a computer or their parents don‘t want them to. The museum I work at will also not stay open during lockdown, so I will literally have no income.

„There is always the sex hot line“, my witch reminds me. „I even allow you to use my name!“ And she giggles and I think I could do that. Take Layla‘s name and look into this abyss of being alive, why not!

„Working for a sex hot line would look cool in my bio as an artist!“, I tell my unicorn and it reminds me to breathe in between words (why ever …). „And since I gave up on everything else I ever had or wanted to be, here we go! I‘m just gonna do the weirdest, most fucked up shit ever and write as if there was no tomorrow, because art is the only thing that makes sense anymore!“ And my next laughter gives me hiccups, which send the needle into my fingertip. Ouch. But the pain is far away.

So very far away. „Or maybe we should shave my head. But first dye it purple. Oh, and before everything closes down again, I need to get my piercing done finally! Fuck my job. Fuck the children. Fuck everything, let‘s do art and hate the world!“

And somewhere along the way I start singing, probably. I don‘t quite remember. When everything feels like shit once more, I feel as if I could get drunk on my own thoughts and for a very long while I can convince myself that I am feeling good and that the world cannot force me to feel bad, at least not right now.

I kept lecturing my unicorn like this for quite a while. At some it went to sleep and I kept laughing all for myself. Although spending another winter and spring without being allowed to be me, without being allowed to do my job, without seeing any friends, only with cursing having a skin and having a heart and existing at all should not be this much.

But at least I am writing about it. This is the lockdown me that I have to summon for now. I have to dye a part of my hair purple, have to get my nose pierced finally, have to write to make living a bit less pointless and have to record a lot of music! Because everything else has become disposable in this new world in which I don’t belong anymore.