Uterus discussion

Remember, when I introduced my witch? When I described her as a uterus-carrying being?
That was more than just following a new trend of political correctness in the year of 2020. It had a very personal meaning to the both of us. With this post, I am trying to collect those thoughts when confronting the reality of both of us being in this body.
Let‘s see where it leads us!

Looking at the stereotype of witching, you of course have the image a red-haired female coming to your mind. As I discuss in various of my posts, this stereotype was only true in parts.

A while ago, my unicorn asked me why and when I knew that I was cis. As in cisgender, cissexual. As in, I was born with a uterus and seemingly identify as a female. And my unicorn answered the question before I could, with stating that most „cis people“ couldn‘t even answer this, but I stopped them right there, and explained that it occurred to me that the reason why I sometimes hated parts of my body from the belly button downwards were just traumatic experiences still remembered by my body.
„But emotionally, you somehow still identified with it?“
„With what?“
„Being a woman?“
„What does that even mean?“

To me, it‘s hard to grasp.
I have a very feminine appearance. For Germany, where I live, even too feminine at times. When I enter the small store at the train station with long hair, a dress which flower pattern matches my backpack and red lips and nails, I am sometimes asked if I am really sure that I‘m German, and sometimes I tell them about my Polish roots. But I never lived there, so it only influenced me through visits and readings.
What I want to say is that I in fact do emotionally identify with this very feminine way I appear. It feels alright to have long hair, wear a dress, have red lips and sometimes flowers in my hair. It feels alright to speak with a higher voice. It feels alright to be curvy, and to look at old oil paintings when finding my boob size a bit too surreal!

But what do I actually identify with there?

„You have to look like this“, a friend once told me while having cocktails many years ago. „You grew up without a father, so you let a dress limit your movements.“
I was ready to protest with stating that I had even once climbed over a two meter high fence in one of my grandmother‘s dresses, but another thing popped into my head.
„I am bisexual“, I reminded that friend. „I am just as feminine when I make love to girls.“
„Even worth“, that friend stated. „This is so sexy, you basically are free porn to men.“

I have never been good with straight cisgender women.
I am not accusing all of them to be this rude and superficially.
We just never really get along.
As in, I had female bosses ask me to cut my hair short and stop talking to male co-workers.
This level of not getting along.

But, what am I actually identifying with when being a woman feels alright?

I also have to remember a conversation with the mother of one of my partners a while ago. One of my partners I could have actually have had children with the natural way. So, after a while my uterus became an issue to determine conversations.
Conversations about how long studying for my degree was gonna take?
Conversations about how stable my freelance work actually was?
Conversations about my retirement plans?
„Because the clock is ticking, you know?“

Do I actually identify with this?
Always worrying about my time running out?
Always going the safest and easiest way to reach financial safety and become this mom with a big house that takes a big family to vacation once a year and buys to many Christmas presents?

No, actually being confronted with this made me hate my uterus again.
My uterus which I only ever had made half of piece with after what happened to it and the parts around had become an enemy in my head again. I did not want to be this person in a hurry to build the perfect life to place a child in! I did not want the time limitation of my uterus to define me!

And we switch into another conversation with someone I once knew well, who recently became loud against the rights of trans people. And while discussing with her that no one aimed to erase womanhood and that inter-sexuality actually was a fact, I realized that I as a cisgender woman have to be frightened by these anti-trans-activists raising their voice!

First of all, of course, because they threaten our understanding and awareness of a group of people that is vulnerable and needs support and visibility!
And second of all, because defining a woman by her uterus (and thus excluding those born without one) is reducing all of us to just this.
If our sex and gender can only be defined by the reproductive organs we are born with, the uterus becomes too big of a fact. What if I don‘t want to make us of it? What if I lose it too early in life to cancer? What if other parts of my body or my mind don‘t adjust to it (hormones, emotionally etc.)?

As a woman in Europe the 21. century who is 27 years old, unmarried, bisexual and childless, I feel not safe. My bodily integrity is questioned by states for example like Poland and the United States questioning abortions. It is threatened by peoples views pointing out my uterus over everything else I do!

To get to the point:
I am still not completely at peace with me even having a uterus inside of me. It is related to trauma, so this is a very own issue. I do identify as a woman despite all, and it is an emotional and psychological truth for me.
I also think that every minority, no matter of which kind, needs to be visible and protected, and anti-trans-activists therefore scare the hell out of me! They threaten this protection! And with doing so, they also try to reduce the rest to one fact about them and their body!

When reading “Malleus maleficarum”, a book written one generation after the black death shocked Europe, with the goal to blame someone for all fragility of life, witchcraft is constantly about a uterus not functioning or not being used properly. So, whoever reduces people to this today would have tortured and burned these same people back then!

So, when I described Layla as a uterus-carrying being, we both were aware of this thing being inside of us, but also of the deepest need to never be defined by it.