Escalating tale

Very often, I had lately assumed to have written the last chapter of my Dystopia diary. Since this is also about witching, and I have only scratched on the surface of that, no problem! But I keep adding new chapters to it, my Dystopia diary.
An easy explanation for this seems to be that Dystopia is a much too complex thing to just end from one day to the other. I mostly feel like I have been over the losses of the pandemic years, but now and then there is a memory of someone or something suddenly so alive that it all keeps coming back. The war next door, keeping a terrifying fire in the culture a part of me comes from alive does not make these things easier! So, I try hard to focus on the poetry and witching as well as history part of this blog, but now and then I stumble into a spiral downwards, because these times a still tough to live in.

This escalating tale of today took place a bit more than two weeks ago, when the rockets hit Poland.
For those of you who do not follow Russia‘s criminal and genocidal war on Ukraine regularly (and I really see how it is healthier not to get stuck with something terrible you just can‘t change), this may seem far away. For me, it has been at home. Emotionally. Mentally. My family, or the part that I cared about, has its roots in central to eastern Europe, I care about people still there, and in my daily life I carry a very Slavic sounding name with me still!

So, on this escalating Tuesday, I had originally been working hard on not drowning emotionally for several other reasons. It was the the Birthday of my Grandmother’s who had died in late 2020, after I had not been able to visit her for so long, and the general darkness of the winter months made teaching up until the evening difficult, emotional! To avoid coming into a dark home sobbing and world hating, I allowed myself a lot of things that day. While waiting for my train home, I spent as much money as I wanted for a flavoured latte and some snacks, and during the ride home, I wrote messages to a lot of friends with ideas about what to do together next, knowing that in all the end of the year rush most of these things would not happen, but I had to try!
So, there I sat on a train riding through the dark, having a Pumpkin spice latte, lots of snacks and sending out messages to people I hadn‘t seen in forever. At least that was how it felt, when I scrolled through the news for the first time that day, since I had been teaching kids until late.
And when I saw the reports of the rockets landing in Poland and actually killing at least two people, something in my brain just clicked of.
Was it the fear that the war would finally spread through all of Europe?
That everyone I ever knew would be killed or in some other way eaten up by this disaster?
Or was it just that more destruction was spread into the part of Europe my family once came from, and also the knowledge of now much it would hurt my Grandmother that people were fleeing from and being killed by Russians once more? Was it that suddenly I was so glad for her to have died before witnessing this?

Probably a weird combination out of all of these things.

When I arrived home, it wasn‘t even dark. There was already someone waiting for me, but I would not stay inside. After switching clothes to something more comfortable, I put on my coat, no scarf or hat or anything warm, and I just ran outside. I‘m glad I thought of putting on my boots, since it was raining.
I ran onto one of my fields I had discovered during lockdowns, and I ran and ran and screamed into the darkness and felt my emotions so intense they hurt my muscles. Have you ever had emotions so strong your muscles cramped under them?
After an hour or so, I was soaking wet and all my strength was gone. I could feel the aftermath of all the strong emotions as an echo in all my muscles giving in.
I recorded a few more voice mails for people, went home and was done. So done, that by the end of the week I had a fever and had to cancel a lot of important appointments.

So, I spiraled and escalated again, and I it really had some consequences for me. Canceling appointments is expensive and a lot of trouble, since I am freelancing around these days.
Did the rocket have consequences for the war?
Well, they did not make it spread through Europe, since it seems to have been an accident, but they pointed out once more what a dangerous and unstable time we live in.

Maybe one day I can actually adjust to this Dystopia well enough to prevent this.
One day.
Maybe one day.