Tomorrow thoughts!

„Are these thoughts ever easy?“, I ask my witch over a midnight cup of coffee.

Tomorrow, I hope to see you again.
But, tomorrow will probably not be that day.
Maybe a day after a tomorrow, another tomorrow.

Will we have a tomorrow?

„There probably are people that don‘t constantly eat their own brain“, Layla responds. „Somewhere.“
„Even in these days?“

When I think of tomorrow, I feel a kind of fury.

I don‘t miss the tomorrow that never came because of the pandemic anymore, but I do not like the one I am looking at either.

But, in all of this, there was a tomorrow I thought may never come!
It happened!
A certain thought, a certain dream was not lost!

„Did I really think that one thing to finally happen could cure me for the rest of my life?“, I ask my witch, as she brought us one more piece of cake before dawn.
„It‘s a very hopeful thought, I have to admit.“

And just when I thought I had it, when I thought the years of pandemic struggle had taught me to survive day by day just long enough until something good can be felt again, the world turned just a little bit darker.

„It‘s hard to dream of tomorrow when living with a gun to your head“, Layla whispers.
„Or constantly see other people do so and fear for them“, I admit.

Ever since the war in Ukraine, which for me is not only geographically close with my Polish heritage, started, tomorrow is something I explicitly do not want to come!

The world did not completely blew up today, so let this night just never end!
I just digested this death toll, I don‘t want to wake up in a few hours and get a new one!

„Living like this is cruel“, I complain to my witch to get another snack, and I feel as if this behavior is supposed to grand me cat ears. „And it makes me question why I do it at all.“

And why I have to live in a world in which so many people do this all the time.
The number of places on earth that are torn by war and conflicts outnumber the stable ones these days.
Fearing that these things may spread to us others as well looks selfish at first, but aren‘t there safe spaces needed? Aren‘t those supposed to stay safe and spread whatever they have and not the other way around?

„I grew up watching friends to fall asleep“, I remind Layla.
„And you thought that big parts of your life would be having coffee, drama with friends and office talk here and there“, she fulfills my sentence, like a real witch.

And more importantly, I wanted this for those after us.
To live in safety.
To have the luxury to live from coffee to coffee.
With friends and lovers.
Finding self-fulfillment a job, or not.
Traveling.
Exploring.
Having it warm and enough food in the house.

„When I think of tomorrow, I see all of these things fail“, I say. „I see wars, plague and our collapsing climate and economy form a world I cannot find myself in. I don‘t want this life anymore.“

It makes me not want to have children, because why pass this one?
It makes me not want to count on things and people.
Never postpone a meeting, because the world could end tomorrow!
Does it even make sense to date someone so short before the end of everything nice?

Layla nods. „But without wanting this life, being alive is meaningless.“

How I live with the thought of tomorrow in such an unstable world?
I don‘t know yet.