I have been thinking about the relationship I have to my writing.
Or, let‘s call it the one thing that I wish to matter about my life, which for me personally is to create and tell stories.
Do I want my life to revolve around that one thing? Or, do I want my life to happen anyways and this one thing to be a special spark to sometimes emerge?
I have questioned this on days that did allow me much writing. At the moment, I have to take care of certain things that require so much of my energy that other parts of me fell silent, and I have to say that I do not like this state of things very much.
But why do I not like it very much?
Because I want writing to be the one thing in my life to matter? The thing that my life is all about?
Actually, in the past few years, I was not so sure if I wanted that at all. When I was working at the theater for a few years, I was annoyed by all of these „artsy“ people celebrating creativity without ever saying a word of meaning and I did not want to be like them. I wanted to tell stories that I fully felt, and so I thought I had to fill my life up with all kinds of things.
But as I grow up more and more, I realize that functioning in both ways has become more and more difficult. When I dive deep into my creativity, I find it harder to concentrate on studying or the performance at work. On the other hand, when I have been good in these areas of my life, I very often don‘t manage to get back into my writing mind set for a while.
But then again, I do not want these two moods to be so exclusive!
At the moment, I have to study for a very important and the very final exam of my degree which I have tried to finish a while ago, but did not manage so for many personal reasons. This has given me so many sleepless nights and panic attacks that I at the moment just try to power through it kind of blindly. This set of mind makes writing complicated for me.
Sounds kind of understandable, right?
This is a lot of stress and a lot of pressure.
Then again, I remember times from many years ago, when I was very much into studying special education to become a science teacher, and those nights of studying were also giving me input for my writing.
Did I have to hand in a well-researched essay as to why the sky was not purple, I made it fun with also writing a shot story about a scenario that had in fact a purple sky.
Everything fits together in those moments.
I love it when it does that.
But I also more and more have to accept that not every moment can be one of those.
Right now, I just study to pass and power through to survive and move on.
Not much more.
And I also tend to give the writing more and more space on my life.
I concentrate on project based freelance work, to have a flexible time schedule and to be as creatively active as I want, although a fix income would make things so much easier for me.
I also decided to send a novella I wrote at the age of 20 around to publishers, to finally give younger me the chance.
I want writing to be what my life is about, but so far, I also need some other spheres in this world to function in as well.
I am not sure how these are going to work together in the future.
For now, it‘s more like writing first, without turning everything else into a complete mess.
How does it work for you?
Do you have something special that you want your whole life to revolve around?
Mistress witch writes 