„Against all odds“, where the words my witch and I were living by for a very long time, and I keep wondering what kind of life can be spent in the light of these words.
It‘s the kind of words to whisper onto the horizon at night on a field, or with an open bottle of wine when the chocolate bar has not lasted as long as expected and the next one is already waiting, and the only soothing thought is that life somehow just happened although the odds were always against it.
„…because on a cosmic level they are, right?“, I ask my witch for twisted reassurance.
Recently, I told someone new about my writing goals.
About how I want to put all my energy into one day seeing my books published and read. And the response was: „Sure, if you don‘t play the lottery, you can‘t win.“
These words still hurt, although partly true.
They questioned all the motivation I had recently gathered to look forward to any kind of future.
„The worst part is that not just that life is against all odds!“, I keep teasing her.
Have you ever thought about how different your life would be if your best friend had never sat down next to you in that one moment that brought you together? That first week in University, or the one evening in a bar you thought about not even attending? The love of your life could have just walked past you and you could have never known.
What are the odds of finding that someone? That someone that can endure you, or even needs you?
„Pretty, fucking small“, I let my witch know.
„And still, it keeps happening every day“, she responds after a while, as the pile of sparkling chocolate wrappers is growing to a terrifying amount once more.
I wonder why we tend to see so many wonderful things in life as unlikely. And no, I don‘t want to do the maths if they really are as likely as winning the lottery.
I am thinking about the feeling that good things may not happen.
Or may happen to someone else.
Why are we constantly preparing ourselves for that?
Someone to fall in love with you?
Well, life is not a romantic movie you liked when you were twelve.
Your biggest goal in life to be realistically in reach?
Yes, and I still wait for my Hogwarts letter.
For the universe to support life at all?
Are you kidding me? These particles only last for a few-thousand billion years anyway and then everybody cries.
„The last one could have happened in the void at some point!“, I let my witch know as she roles her eyes.
What I want to say is that I am not sure where the need to reduce your expectations in life comes from, but I experience it a lot.
Does it really protect us from sadness and frustration to not reach for the stars and only think in very small steps that are completely predictable?
Stop dreaming big and get the safe office job to buy a house and a car?
Marry the person your parents like although after sex your always sore?
I am very certain the honest answer is no.
Not to have dreams hurts more in the end.
More than not reaching the one or the other.
More than any rejection from the outside ever does it hurt to give up on the inside.
So, I will always be hurt by my writing dream to be compared to something as vague as the lottery.
It is tough out there, but I have something to say that someone has to be responsive for, I know it!
I will believe in love like I always read about in classical literature.
And I will wonder about our little world with the stars above me at night.
“I don’t want the odds to be against the good thing in life”, I say to Layla.
“And if they are, just break the rules of the universe”, my witch giggles.
Mistress witch writes 