„Do you always know who you are?“, I ask my witch, assuming I would sound just normal, humanly relatebale, but even she was confused.
Lately, I had to wonder what kind of thoughts fought their way from the back of my head, where they were usually stuck and mostly being ignored, to be there in front of all the others and difficult to ignore. These kind of thoughts tend to do that in moments when it‘s the last thing I need. Just when I travel more than 1000 kilometers by train and want to concentrate on some work things I have to do, and somewhere inside this very old fear of getting lost is waking up.
„Who we are can change with time“, my witch finally admits. Maybe just to not embarrass me.
Or with places?
When I had to find my way in Budapest, and since I had to work there also had to get along in areas where English is not often understood anymore, I felt as if all the ways in wich my mind is usually set where not available anymore. I was a comfortable kind of blank for a while, and I was just enjoying a new world.
But also, thoughts became louder, or more clear. Thoughts which I think I always carry around, but usually all the other things I have to keep in mind and have tot think of or can take shelter in mute these other thoughts.
What if I get lost?
Memories of another moment when I thought I was lost for sure!
Why did I always feel so lost?
I sometimes became a bundle of anxiety, and cried over things that happened years ago. My friend in Budapest saw me in some weird states …
I was more in touch with parts of myself I had forgotten about.
“And … when did we decide to be happier than ever before?”, my witch wants to know.
I remember the last day I spent in Budapest recently, after having worked there and lived there for a very little while, I did not want to leave again. I wish I could stay and enjoy the sun at the danube with a strawberry lemonade. I even stopped applying my make up at some point. I felt as if I did not need it anymore. Not much make up, just a summer dress, and a beautiful city all around.
„Is that why you stopped talking to me?“, I my witch giggles into my memories, and I think I am blushing.
„I did not exactly stop“, I remind her. „I showed you a beautiful castle and let you have sex with a so-called Vampire, remember?“
And now she blushes.
That’s a story for another time.
But she has a point.
I did not use my witching voice in those weeks I spent away from home. The voice I use to write and to gather the courage for my creativity was not awake during this time. It seemed as if I had nothing to complain about, and any trace of cynical thinking had fallen silence.
„I always thought this was just who I was meant to be“, I admit to my witch.
This creature that does not fit, speaking with a sense of sarcasm while always a bit lost in daydreams, and dressed in ways that proof how I would never survive an office job. This unfitting, almost unreal thing – I thought that was just me.
„But here it‘s different“, she asks, and I have to smile.
There it was different, indeed.
For a few weeks, I did not feel the need to stand out and drift away in my thoughts. My soul was not leaking in pain, and my daydreams were not the only thing I lived for.
That was a wonderful feeling.
Although it stopped my writing, but I am sure that even my creativity would find a new way in the long run.
When I returned to my normal life, I promised myself to not fall back into my old cynical way of falling out of this world everyday. I wanted to keep this new feeling, this way of being happy and content with myself.
I tried to keep it when the closer I got to Germany with my train back, the more people lectured me on things s how to store my luggage correctly (as if I had never been on a train before), and also when the person next to me talked to me in English, and when I responded in German was offended by me rejecting her English (I still don‘t get it …).
I liked myself without being mad at the world. Without my general cynism towards everyone and everything in life, I had a new kind of energy. It was a new, lighter and easier feeling of being alive.
I am not sure if I can keep this forever.
Now, I am back in the part of the world where the mentality of people annoys me on a daily basis. Here I have a past that was not always perfect, and I still have things to accomplish. Filing my taxes just in time, for example.
„So, will we keep the natural make up and the smile into the sunlight as if everything was fine?“, my witch giggles into my ears and a part of me wants to explode into laughter while another one wants to cry.
I don‘t know, but I hope so.
Maybe, I can be so many other things than just the one observing lights from the distance without ever finding a way of getting close?
Mistress witch writes 