My mother used to call it clever to be completely calm and accepting when being confronted with the greatest injustice of the world.
„And you?“, my witch asks amused.
I have always wanted to get my head through the wall. Is that even a phrase in English? Probably not, but let‘s make it one for the sake of this post.
In German, that phrase exists. Someone stubborn is accused of „wanting to get the head through the wall. It‘s a thing said to children trying to get their way. Were you ever 12 years old trying to convince your parents to let you watch just another episode before bedtime? „Immer mit dem Kopf durch die Wand.“ Or to end a business negotiation. Trying to get a raise?„Nicht immer mit dem Kopf durch die Wand.“ Lately, climate protesters have been accused of the same thing publicly. Worried about global warming? Wishing for traffic to be less reliant on cars and planes? „Immer mit dem Kopf durch die Wand.“
„What‘s the opposite of wanting to smash your head into concrete and leaving behind quite an impression?“, my witch asks, still too amused by probably picturing it as she speaks.
I grew up in a Christian community, and as modern and esoteric as these Lutherian protestants tried to be, there still was an old understanding of authority present in everything we did. An understanding of Daddy up in the sky watching over us and having demands to be fulfilled, because we all wish to be his favourite girl, right?
Seriously, the thought of having a white, old man watching me all the time, and probably getting upset about my latest outfit or the number of people I‘ve had sex with is still disturbing. Please go and watch somewhere else, Daddy!
„And that answers my question how?“, Layla asks.
„The opposite of a head-towards-wall-massacre is not to never care about anything at all“, I tell her. „It‘s to always keep your voice low and phrase everything in a way that the oldest and most conservative person is still on board with.“
I am an educator in a science museum. As a young female dealing with man that know less about a subject than me has been a challenge I could start an own blog about. But one thing I recently experienced fits this post.
I was crafting jewelry with stone age tools with a family group. While the father went out to smoke, I showed the group a little trick I used when the manual drill got stuck in wood. Once the father came back and saw his wife using my unusual trick, he held her by the shoulder, said „Now you‘re doing it all wrong, Darling, let me do it“, and, big surprise here, he did more wrong than I could have thought of before.
I later told my mother about it. „I would never allow my future husband to talk to me like this. To call me Darling, and then taking something from my hands which he did not even get instructions to do.“
My mother shook her head about me. „That woman is just clever.“
And there we have that painful word again. Clever. What is clever about this?
„She is so calm, she does not need to tell her husband off“, my mother would continue. „She is the grown up.“
And I could fight with my mother about this forever.
„So, if my husband does not know how to do something and takes it from my hand with a belittling gesture, I am supposed to just be calm?!“
„Yea, because Daddy in the sky is proud of you“, Layla giggles. „But only if you fuck your husband two hours after that humiliation, and don‘t you come.“
So, here in Germany, if you‘re standing for yourself and others, or pointing out something that is not alright, all people picture in their heads is your own head being smashed into a wall until it bursts, and then they tell you off for that gruesome image within their own imagination.
I would probably occasionally fight with my mother, never get married, and not bother to write a blog post about this, but there is more to this.
This whole calmness I have just described has another level showing painfully how problematic such an attitude towards the world can be.
I could start with my mother and me visiting the „Klimahaus“ (Climate museum) in Bremerhaven, and describe her telling me that no one can ever stop climate change, because the protests have become too extreme. „They have lost all credibility, so why even bother.“
The white, old men is not on your side, so you‘re gonna fail.
And what if I continue this thought? Where does that lead me in the end? What if I ignore all the wrongs in the world, just because I cannot change them all? Is that truly a world we can live in?
So, there is a big group of people clinging to their cars and fighting politically against a sustainable traffic solution. Do I try to find a compromise with them? „Okay, too much greenhouse gasses in the atmosphere change our ecosystems drastically, but hey! This corner of the chemical structure looks cool, but only in skeleton mode. That we can agree on.“
And if I follow that path, where do I stop?
So, there is a group of people that does not like a certain ethnic group inside the supermarket they prefer for shopping.
„Okay, fine. Everybody fitting those criteria will have to go shopping two streets ahead.“
This is already absurd.
My point is that calmness and acceptance towards certain things is not an option. Just thinking about it makes me sick. It makes me want to smash my head into a freshly painted wall, for observers to be haunted by this image forever.
When dealing with any kind of hate towards other human beings, with the willfully destruction of our planet, or with anything in the liking, there is no place for acceptance and calmness. There only is place for rage and protest.
And where does that leave me? If I follow through with it, and you do too? Society to drift apart more and more? Street fights, probably a civil war?
I don‘t want that under any circumstances. I still don‘t want to shut up, or accept everything I just described.
Maybe, this is just an act of balance. Just like carrying an explosive device, while probably dancing on a tightrope.
I remember taking part in the Christopher-Street-Day in Hamburg. When I got stuck in the crowd, I spotted a counter protest and began talking to them. “I am not asking you to be gay, so what’s the big deal?”
“I cannot live in a world where you have the right to exist.”
Good luck looking for a compromise here. I have been suicidal in the past, but I will continue living (and fucking) just to annoy you.
And as for belittling and disrespectful husbands? Give them hell!
Mistress witch writes 