Fragility

I am still thinking about why this year has been so tough on me. Tough enough for witching wine nights and starting to blog about them.

To understand that, I have to look a few years back, when I had moved away from everyone I had ever known and attended university. I was full of anxiety and sometimes fell into a state of depression. I dismissed many things and people easily, because I thought that I had failed.

I did not want to feel like that anymore.
Therefor, I tried to figure what could keep me going. What did I actually need in life?

This is something that I have always considered an important skill. Understanding how your own mind works and knowing what it needs.

I found out things about myself. I am shy, even more an introverted person, but to feel good enough to take on the most necessary tasks in life, I needed a routine involving leaving the house several times a week and interacting with people that I knew on also known places. Friends, co-workers – people like that. I looked for free time activities like playing music together, study groups etc.
It also made me want to become a teacher, and work with children like that.
It gave me a purpose.

It felt like the logical thing to do what makes me happy.

I could have never imagine for everything to collapse at once. I could have lost my job, or a friend. But something else would always have been there.

By now, I only have those hobbies left that I can do alone at my desk. People I care about have died, or left, or disappeared into personal problems. In most cases, there was not even time for a goodbye. We are all just loose ends.

I do not know what to make of this fragility, yet.
Sometimes, I wish I had not figured out how to be happy, so that there would have been so much of a difference.

It is a painful thought that there are still so many decades left to live and the best years of my life are already over.

Which is why I need my witch. Soon, I will have a talk with her about this mysterious stranger that she fell in love with, and what her comments about him impersonating death are really all about. I will also ask her how to possibly start the novel about her really messed up life, and maybe get a bit closer to writing it!