I am still thinking about why this year has been so tough on me. Tough enough for witching wine nights and starting to blog about them.
To understand that, I have to look a few years back, when I had moved away from everyone I had ever known and attended university. I was full of anxiety and sometimes fell into a state of depression. I dismissed many things and people easily, because I thought that I had failed.
I did not want to feel like that anymore.
Therefor, I tried to figure what could keep me going. What did I actually need in life?
This is something that I have always considered an important skill. Understanding how your own mind works and knowing what it needs.
I found out things about myself. I am shy, even more an introverted person, but to feel good enough to take on the most necessary tasks in life, I needed a routine involving leaving the house several times a week and interacting with people that I knew on also known places. Friends, co-workers – people like that. I looked for free time activities like playing music together, study groups etc.
It also made me want to become a teacher, and work with children like that.
It gave me a purpose.
It felt like the logical thing to do what makes me happy.
I could have never imagine for everything to collapse at once. I could have lost my job, or a friend. But something else would always have been there.
By now, I only have those hobbies left that I can do alone at my desk. People I care about have died, or left, or disappeared into personal problems. In most cases, there was not even time for a goodbye. We are all just loose ends.
I do not know what to make of this fragility, yet.
Sometimes, I wish I had not figured out how to be happy, so that there would have been so much of a difference.
It is a painful thought that there are still so many decades left to live and the best years of my life are already over.
Which is why I need my witch. Soon, I will have a talk with her about this mysterious stranger that she fell in love with, and what her comments about him impersonating death are really all about. I will also ask her how to possibly start the novel about her really messed up life, and maybe get a bit closer to writing it!
The latest Dystopia confusion – or what vaccines, glasses, and sunscreen suddenly have in common.
Confusion is one of the most important aspects of Dystopia. It’s this state of the world that keeps burning into the skin like a nervous flickering – and suddenly you’ve bought frog legs from the weirdo at the end of the road, while your neighbour was hanged for a miscarriage 20 years ago. Let’s name…
Keeping the connection – About taking the next step
I remember standing on the same field where I spent most of the past unnerving months. Listening to the same three accords throughout a song reminded me of time passing, of the feeling of spending time with people while doing something special together. Studying for an exam, rehearsing a song, going on a trip -…
Of memories and ashes
Once you were thereTwo minutes afterWith coffee and rainI will rememberThe way that we wereThe world has felt whole. Once we were thereIt was a ThursdayWith tea and a smileI will always rememberIt made me forgetThat the world has got holes. I want this to beThe one thingTo hold on toTo fill up the holesWe…
Mistress witch writes 