Finally, I figured out the accident the pandemic is regularly causing within my head. This does not make it any better, but since I don‘t know what else to do with it, I thought I‘d share it!
Whenever I read news concerning it, I feel like losing my mind. I run crazy, I climb highway bridges, break curfews and start to hate everyone. Last year, I threw away my thermos because I was so mad about not needing it to transport hot tea to work with me anymore. I also cut holes into blouses I used to wear to work and if anyone had been around, they would have been scared of me, but thank god this plague has isolated me. Whenever someone reached out to me, I just told them to wait for my witching novel, because afterwards I would kill myself, because I was done. I‘m very sorry, but these were my words.
By now, I have bought a new thermos. One for tea, one for coffee. I enjoyed pouring my hot drinks into them in the morning and taking them with me to the few appointments I had. I assist in a research project about aspects of education, I teach children with language difficulties and I work at a museum, so in between lockdowns, I have had a few fun days. I love the way I feel when talking to children. I am good ad it. I like the way my voice sounds. I see in their eyes that I can reach them, make them understand things.
I am scared of the moment that has me bury this voice once again.
I live in Germany, and we are pretty fucked up again. Hospitals are so full that climbing highway bridges is even more fun, because in case of an accident, no one could treat me!
So, I am expecting to very soon not be allowed to go to work anymore, and since a lot of my teaching is freelance work, I also will not be able to afford food anymore. Yea!
At the moment, I shiver in sadness, when filling my thermos, and as soon as I hear numbers of infections and numbers of deaths, I make an own calculation in my head.
Apparently, survival is worth letting go of the me I so much enjoy to be. It is worth losing dear family members without saying goodbye, and it is worth to give up friendship.
I have to admit, if survival is worth this, I don‘t even want to survive that badly.
I am not proud of this. I started this blog to survive, and this sounds like the opposite.
But for now, these are my thoughts.
Surviving has gotten a clear price, and for me it is too high.
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