When asked why I write, I used to say that I needed my characters to survive. Or, to see how to survive. My characters were going through things I could never imagine myself coping with, or things that I had to handle but was terribly overwhelmed by. They were like super heroes in my head, with the only super power needed not being dead yet. Just like a melody that never stops, although your being strangled. That’s what writing was like.
As inspirational as this sounds, this made me do terrible things to my main characters. It’s incredible just how cruel I can be to them, while myself is being wrapped in a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate and feeling like a cry baby.
My witch came to me in just the same way in 2020. While I was drafting her novel, I have so far constructed many different version of an ending. It was a process of dreaming and surviving, and there is one thing about her ending I still could not decide on. Since I am still busy writing her first third, I did not have to make a final call, but was nevertheless thinking about it a lot. How dark do I want it all to be? I felt this duty to be realistic and not tell a story that would turn into something unlikely, like a romantic film where people run into each other in a mega city much too often. So, as the reality my head usually constructs, this would mean a dark ending. One that I would be scared of. One that I am actively fearing right now. One that I want to avoid for myself so badly, I get close to praying although I am the most extreme atheist you can imagine …
“…and that was when I knew that I would never let them go”, I tell my witch and she giggles excitedly, and we both remember a moment that punched our gut too heavy. We don’t want that ever again!
Yes. I think I decided against the darkest of all options for once. I want to write a different ending. Not necessarily a happy one. Also, what is a happy ending of a biography? It’s hard to tell in the end!
But I know that I for once want to focus more on the dreaming than the surviving. I want to write an ending that I dream of so very often. What a journey this is!
Mistress witch writes 
Every story is unique, as is every person’s experience, but in a way, I understand your reason for creating the Witch. Something similar happened to me, when, in order to save myself from certain things, another part was created. A kind of “fuse”. A person who would do things in critical moments that were the opposite of what I would do if I were myself. The story ended with the fact that…the blog with 400+ articles written over 10 years was actually deleted. About 1000 people visited the blog per month. It seems like a lot, maybe not a lot, but…the desire for change was higher. The top step of all this was that when changing my passport, I decided to change my signature as well. They asked me “- what does this mean?”, I answered briefly “- a new life”.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) I had a darker version of my performance. Then I came to the conclusion that the former me had died in me. Me, in the role of a soldier. In the military unit they said that I “hit the jackpot”. And so it is.
All this leads me to the fact that do not think about “darker options” in any options. You have yourself and your creativity, there are people who love you. Appreciate it and go to the options that will be illuminated by the light. It seems to me that this is better 🙂
I will try to quietly observe your path, if you do not mind ^_^
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You described that in a wonderful way! Although I think I am just wired in a way to akways be drawn to darkness. It’s a kind of freedom.
I will keep an eye on you too!
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Darkness in thoughts or posts, or even in creativity, is not as scary as darkness in the heart. In general, I think that it is scarier not when you know something about a person and you perceive them as they are, that is, “when they show their darkness” – but when you encounter them, thinking that you completely knew the person, but it turned out not to be so.
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