Wild thoughts in strange places. With my witch.

Tonight I am wondering what to do with these thoughts that only come out in the wild. My witch and I had to agree on not living day by day as if our throat was cut tonight, because it messed things up to think that way, so what do I do with these thoughts that can only be heard when everything else is blurred out? Do they tell me a truth about myself?

After finishing school, I travelled a lot through Germany and neighbouring countries on my own fort theater projects, and eventually decided to move a few hundred kilometers away to attend university. Being all on my own fascinated and terrified me at the same time. Hearing the highway close to the window of my first flat as the only sound of weekends before I had made any friends still makes me shiver. My mother often asked me why I had to choose the hard way, and reminded me that I could always come home, but I did not want to.

The last three days, I have had the same confusing feelings again, and it got intense. I had to go through a lot of first times all on my own, and a few times I found myself in the most beautiful place crying because … overwhelmed! These lonely thoughts out in the wild are mean!

For the first time, I took a night and booked a place to sleep in it, and I honestly hated that experience. I had always romanticized sleeping cabins on trains, but my journey to Stockholm lacked fresh air, woke me up in the middle of the night by noise and being shaken heavily, and I got so nervous, my tongue became numb (yes, that can happen).
The night I spent in Stockholm I needed to prepare for the next big step: My first night spent on a ship ever! Last night, I crossed the Baltic Sean by ship, and am now going to be working in Helsinki for two weeks.

The Baltic sea, where my ancestors lived as pirates, and later many of them almost drowned while fleeing the hell of world war 2. I felt to connected to my dead grandmother out on the sea at night!

I couldn’t be happier about this adventure, and I am so surprised that I manage it all on my own. My mother told me how proud she was of me, because she would have never dared to go on such an adventure on her own, and still, there are these weird thoughts. The sudden waves of mourning, memories that had long been asleep … And so, I find myself crying into my scarf on a sunny day in Stockholm covered in snow.

Maybe, I am just not as tough as I wish to be? I am not simply excited and having fun. I push myself to the extremes … to proof what?

My witch giggles into her cup of tea. “Maybe, you push yourself to the extreme because otherwise you’d stop moving at all.”

And this thought touches me deeply.

Still, I am so happy to be all on my own in Helsinki for now!