“What’s your little girl crying about?”, my witch giggles into her half of our shared pitaya, tainting her lips in the deepest pink.
She looks very cute, and I have to think of another crying girl I have recently seen. The other one was not as cute as my witch, although she really tried her best. Pretty, a little bit edgy in her style of clothing she had positioned herself in front of the camera with tears running down her cheeks, and she stated that she wanted to show the world another aspect of being a Christian.
Yes, that’s right. I have reluctantly found my way into the sphere and German, Christian Influencers, and it was a wild ride.
So, the other aspect of being a Christian.
“Other than enjoying a little spanking on the one cheek and then as well the other one?”, my witch giggles, and I want to blush.
Yes, besides that, the other crying girl described her inability to understand how wonderful god was. How forgiving, and how merciful god was supposed to be. And how she so often felt as if she never did enough. As if she never read the bible enough, never researched enough in other Christian literature, and forgot that her god was the only true god of mercy, and that she was sure of it. “God is wonderful, and I still have to understand that.”
“Is he though?”, I ask my witch, finishing the last bite of the exotic fruit killing off my environmental effort for this month. Don’t ask us how much we paid for it, but 6€ per fruit is a looot …
I don’t think god is wonderful, and I don’t think the Christian god is a god of mercy. While I’m typing these words, the lamp next to my bed stops working, so we’ll see who’s listening in, btw …
But seriously. I think Christians have an issue with things such as guilt, forgiveness, and mercy.
“If Jesus died for my sins, then why do I still have to beg for forgiveness?”, I ask my witch.
And if Jesus did not die for my sins, then why should I worship him. On the other hand, if Jesus died for all of our sins in advance, then how does the world not end in chaos? But if Jesus died for my sins, why does god have to forgive me? Why do I constantly have to ask for forgiveness? Weren’t my sins forgiven 2000 years before I even committed them?
Doesn’t this make you want to smash your head into the wall? It certainly has this effect on me. It makes me want to rage against god, telling him that he is an abusive asshole that has to make a choice. Did Jesus die so that I can party hard, or is there no reason to worship him at all?
Having grown up in a church, I asked these question out loud so many times.
Do I have to take responsibility, or do I have to pray myself into a trap?
“Do you think anyone knows a good answer to that?”, I ask my witch and she only giggles on.
I don’t believe in god, by the way.
Mistress witch writes 
To give God a fair shake, you would have to *not* rule Him/Her out right from the start, but recognise that people’s image of God, especially collectively, is most probably not consistent with the (according to our working hypothesis) objectively existing, all encompassing consciousness mystical accounts mention as the Source that we all derive from, our true home and deepest identity in which we find peace and bliss beyond words. And the ceasing of all opposites: unity.
I have always understood the Christian religion as that which remains if you briefly confront a species of post-apes with something incredibly pure and precious, something arriving from the other end of evolution reaching down to guide us … and then try to preserve *in words* that get passed along through the ages, the understanding that more evolved contemporaries had of the way Jesus or similarly evolved humans (accounts from India and China come to mind) were special. You’d probably come up with stuff like ‘son of god’ and take that and spin it into ‘only son’ and all other religions are hogwash and evil.
A bit like the telephone game where you start with something and can’t believe what you end up with. (I recommend Monty Python’s “Life of Brian” for a better understanding of these mechanisms)
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