I wonder how extreme I would have had to live my life to not have regrets right now. Sometimes, I listen to a song that I would like to say reminds me of a moment in which I was happy, but I fear that it might also remind me of a moment in which IContinue reading ““Buried-alive”-thoughts”
Tag Archives: fiction
Hope might have killed
„I don‘t think a little hope ever killed anyone.“„Maybe it will kill me, if you keep throwing it at me to shut me up.“ Yes, this conversation really happened. It was much longer, and included a lot more fury on both sites. I wonder why people keep doing this.Why do people always think that denyingContinue reading “Hope might have killed”
Tale about hidden things
„I never told him this“, my witch whispered. You touched a part of my soulthat had always been hidden.You found it all by yourselfand I wanted you to keep it.That part was woundedvery long agoand I never noticed the painuntil you showed methat this was no scarbut still bleedingand I am still leaking. „I neverContinue reading “Tale about hidden things”
The oddness of witching
While I am drafting my historical novel in progress, and am reading all kind of things about witches, I have often stressed the point that my witch once was a normal person and was only seen as suspicious when Dystopia hit. Normal in the case of a young woman living in Europe in the 17thContinue reading “The oddness of witching”
Inside of a witch
There is an ocean inside of me.There is a depth that is risingand is cold but burning.There are words never saidand thoughts kept secret.There is pain beyond this worldand joy as bright as stars. There is an ocean inside of meand sometimes I am leaking. There is an ocean inside of me.Drown with me.Drown insideContinue reading “Inside of a witch”
Never happy ending
When you held meI stopped leakingfor a short momentthat was a sparkle. I saw you and you saw meand I was hurtby what the worldhad done to you. All of ourselvesand skins still markedby thoughts and shardssank into each other. I want to be thankfulfor this happy ending,but I don‘t want thisto ever end. „HappyContinue reading “Never happy ending”
A hole to be safe in
I want this soul to stop leaking.I want it to stop drowning while carrying the weight of all the worlds that have died.I want it to take a deep breath and feel the sun once more.I want it to stop existing for words never spoken and things never felt. „Whenever I try to make itContinue reading “A hole to be safe in”
Feel me as a witch
Sometimes, I close my eyes to see my witch. I see a lonely and troubled Lady alone in the kitchen of a house that had not always been this empty.I see her hair, which is curlier and more red than mine. I see her pacing up and down, while casting views out of the window.Continue reading “Feel me as a witch”
Oh my shadow!
„With my shadow,oh my shadow“, my witch whispers. It‘s not enough,it was alwaystoo short and too earlyto break apartwith words and thoughtsstill unspoken. Just onceone more timehis eyes on meinstead of nightsempty and fullof ice creamand wine. In moments like thisthe world is leakingis woundedis sore.
What do witches dream for?
„If witching dreams are really about closing my eyes and imagining things just to feel them once more, they still make me sad“, I tell my witch. „A minute of escape, but no real relief. But if they are all about pleading with the universe and convincing it to bend the rules, then witching dreamsContinue reading “What do witches dream for?”
See me with strawberries and cream
I wanted you to see mecurled up on my bedeating strawberries and creamwearing nothing but a shirttoo wide for meand I wanted you to pet my headand smile at meas gently and as warmas you would haveif you could haveever seen me this way. „At least I wore the dress I wanted to wear forContinue reading “See me with strawberries and cream”
Ice cream and wine in Dystopia
I am having ice cream and wine because I have had both in one of the happiest nights of my life.I did not know it back then. I thought the world would always be there and I had just figured out my personal relationship to things that just were and were good the way theyContinue reading “Ice cream and wine in Dystopia”
Picking up the shards
I am picking up the shardsto put them back together.But to have those shardsthings have to break,and breaking isn’t fair.Surviving isn’t fairbut has to be donefor now. Even when brokenly bleedingand bleedingly brokenI am still herealthough some of the pieceshave lost what held themtogether onceand are looking fornew places to go. „Witches transform“, I amContinue reading “Picking up the shards”
Update on the witching novel
I have to remind myself what I started this blog for, from time to time.Besides making sense of a situation that I suddenly found myself in and having somewhere to go to with certain thoughts and feelings, I wanted to document my writing process while working on my novel about a witch in Europe inContinue reading “Update on the witching novel”
My perfect witching dream
My perfect witching dreamis you waving at me from across the old hallof that very old train stationwhere we once metwhen Dystopia had noteaten up our souls yetand we would meet therewith other people all aroundtheir voices and their laughterand we would not carejust running onto each otherand showing each otherwhat wounded bits and partsContinue reading “My perfect witching dream”
The historical horror of living a life
A while ago, someone tried to convince me that it is okay for old people to die and those words were supposed to take away my sadness. I think that life is cruel and this is unfair. Blood is unfair.Blood running through this veins and transporting oxygen to this brain, only to one day stopContinue reading “The historical horror of living a life”
Tale about a witching hope
These are my thoughts on waiting for things to get better and for people to return.I think that having this hope is worth it all and allows for every possible emotion to take over and keep it up.It is very fragile, and always connected to fearing an outcome too painful to truly be imagined. MyContinue reading “Tale about a witching hope”
Words of a witch
„Early in my life, I had to understand that my family was broken and very soon stopped being real. Then, I experienced passionate love to turn into rage and result in knifes being pointed. The last thing to which I committed were my friends, and now that is gone too. There once was a warmContinue reading “Words of a witch”
The moment of witching
The sun had been golden all day, and the rain taking over the horizon from one second to the other was surprisingly dark and heavy.„When did you realize that you really were a witch?“, I ask Layla.Was it a lonely night on another kitchen floor?Too much wine?An aching heart asking for a spell?Or a darkContinue reading “The moment of witching”
A year later
It has been a year. Since my whole blog was set up to trick my mind into any other activity than hurting me constantly while surviving the gray months or years of the pandemic, I thought about writing something for this weird anniversary, but also was not sure about it being too much, maybe. TodayContinue reading “A year later”
Tale about witchcraft
Another night following a glowing evening in spring.We are sitting on my kitchen floor.No ice cream, this time.„Layla, I have been screaming too loud, lately“, I say to my witch. „It‘s your turn, now.“„My turn?“„Yes, this is your story, after all“, I remind both of us. Layla grins her witching grin. „That‘s right“, she saysContinue reading “Tale about witchcraft”
I’m still saying these things
You‘re not here anymoreand I‘m still saying these things. I‘m still saying these thingsthat I did not ever want to say before,that I did not even joke about. You‘re goneand I‘m still saying these thingsthat I wanted to say to you. I‘m still saying these thingsalthough you can‘t hear me. But I‘m still saying theseContinue reading “I’m still saying these things”
The life of a witch
The life of a witch is social deconstruction. A witch is a deconstructed person.Being accused of witchcraft in early modern europe did not mean to be accused of being a human having committed a serious crime. Being a witch meant to have let the soul inside your body rot and having become a new andContinue reading “The life of a witch”
Lick me when I’m leaking
I‘m leakingout of infectious witching eyeshaving dreams drop outhaving drowned in themwith favorite memories only ever imagined. I‘m leakingbecause his eyes once widened when I was shiveringwere so warmwere so widewere all I ever wanted to have seen me. I‘m leakingnot just after the one but all the thingsthat could have beenbut never wereand leaveContinue reading “Lick me when I’m leaking”
About memories
I remember how simply having all my memories could make me happy. I could easily convince myself once that things ending was not too sad, as long as they had been lived.When I was 23 and told this my 49 years old lover, he almost was personally insulted by the kind of strength that IContinue reading “About memories”
Spring, again.
Spring could be so pretty, it always made me sad. When the early sunrise was pink again, and the sun began to shine very careful after all these dark months. „I wish time would stop being linear“, I say to my witch. It was almost too warm to wear my boots, but only almost. IContinue reading “Spring, again.”
Flashing back
Good morning. How is your tea? Good. How is the cupcake? Delicious. I am having flashbacks to when Sophie and Kim left. Yes, me too. The snow is melting. It is getting warmer. The sky was pink in the morning. Beautiful. I am so homesick! Me too. The trees are still bare. Still almost dead.Continue reading “Flashing back”
How witches laugh
Those sounds that witches make are known to tear this world apart. Their voices cook the blood. Their little noises make skin shudder and freeze while burning.You want some more? Just touch the scar behind her ear, or the mark there on her thigh.A witch might even purr just like her cat, just give itContinue reading “How witches laugh”
Tale for all my ghosts
We‘re safe enough to suffocate.These walls are eating soulsby smothering the skinuntil what‘s inside is leaking out. We‘re already ghosts.You never saw my purple hair,and I don‘t even have a skinbecause you never touched it. When I am really happyI think of crying on your shoulder.And suddenly the pain is goodand I dream of beingContinue reading “Tale for all my ghosts”
Dystopia in February
„Living as a human being is over.“Thoughts arrive before the feeling.They happen and don‘t feel so bad at first, but are the first step of drowning in despair.I understood that just now, that I can think pain before it really arrives. „You say you‘re dead inside“, my witch says while skeptically eyeing the piece ofContinue reading “Dystopia in February”
Mistress witch writes 